It’s been rough lately. Sometimes you do everything you can to stay positive and keep chugging along, but then you need a minute to wallow in self-pity. That’s where I’ve been lately. I’m  not looking for pity, merely keeping it real. It’s ok to not feel strong all the time!

I’m sick of waiting for things to work out. I’m frustrated that I’ve gone from “when we have kids” to “if we ever have kids” without  really noticing the change. My birthday came and I’ve turned 26. It was a great birthday, but just another reminder of how much time has passed and we’re still childless. Mother’s Day was too much to face this year because I couldn’t help but think about how if all had gone as planned in December, I would’ve been 5 months pregnant. I hate being tip-toed around as people kindly try to avoid causing me pain with talk of their children, but I also am done with feeling like baby news is being shoved down my throat. It’s a lose-lose situation with me currently.

Lately we feel like infertility=masochist. So why are we doing this? Why go through all the misery, heartache, and cost?

First of all, we have invested so much into this that we can’t bear the thought of giving up when the finish line is in sight. No matter what the outcome is of Jason’s procedure, it is literally the last thing we can try. Maybe we’re just a little stubborn, but we have to see it out to the very end.

But why did we choose this route? Why not “just” adopt a child? This is a very personal decision and we hope that our reasons will be respected, as we did not make this choice lightly.

When it comes down to it, this is what we feel is the answer to our prayers. While we have no doubt that adoption is a beautiful and sacred act, it isn’t the right path for us at this time. Adoption is just as emotionally trying and costly as IVF, if not more, so it’s never “just” adopt. It’s complicated! There are lots of legal procedures involved. It’s expensive and it takes time.  And there’s always a chance that after you fall in love with a child, your heart will be crushed and that child won’t end up being yours. When everything works out, adoption is amazing. An acquaintance of mine just got his daughter through adoption and words can not describe the joy he and his wife feel with their beautiful baby. Tears come to my eyes when I see this couple finally become a mom and dad.I respect them and all adoptee parents for all they do to have their children.

We’re pretty confident that adoption will be apart of our future at some point and know that an adopted child would be in every sense of the word OUR child, but right now we need to attempt to have our own biological baby. We feel very strongly that we need to pursue IVF, regardless of all the road blocks we’ve come across.  We still feel this way, even on our darkest days.

I ache to hold a baby that is half me and half Jason. I want to feel the magic of my baby moving and growing inside of me. When I look at the children of my friends, I love searching their faces and seeing the beautiful combination of their parent’s genetics. It is miraculous. It is something I assumed would always be something I could have one day. We want to hold our darling child and say:

I have always, always wanted to have babies. One of my mom’s favorite stories from my childhood is when at age 5 I had all the names picked out for my 4 future babies. It has been my ultimate dream for as long as I can remember.

I can’t give up on that dream. I just can’t. Being a mother is all I have ever wanted and that dream has always included pregnancy and bearing my own children. Jason feels the exact same way. His future has always revolved around being a loving father and building a life around his family. While we love all the wonderful children in our lives from our nephews and niece  to all the kids we love in primary, it’s not the same thing as being a parent.  It is possible that we won’t get to see that dream come to reality in the way we always pictured. But we are not letting go of that dream until we have tried everything we can possibly do to see it come true. And if after all we can do still isn’t enough, then ok. We will find a new dream and it will be just as satisfying. But while it’s in our power to keep trying, you bet we’re going to.

Growing up, one of my best friends came from a family that included children conceived naturally, children who joined their family through adoption, and children conceived with the help of doctors and IVF. Not once did I ever think of his siblings as “the adopted ones” or the “test tube babies” etc. All you see is a loving family! No matter how they were brought here, they are siblings through and through.

I know that this is how my family will be too. Jason and I will love our children with all our hearts, regardless of if they are biologically ours or not. We know that families are the greatest joywe have in this life. We also know that the family is ordained of God. He loves families and has given us the gift of being sealed to our families so we can be with them forever. He has promised me and Jason that we will be parents in this life and we know that He will keep His promise to us, even if it’s not in the way we expect.

That is why it is everything we are going through is worth it. We know that one day we’ll hear a tiny voice calling us Mommy and Daddy and wrapping their tiny arms around our necks. It is that knowledge that we cling to every day as we work to bring Baby Knoell into our home.